Jeremy Clarkson is one of Britain’s most recognisable lampposts, and is responsible for every motor vehicle ever built, except for Volvos, which are excreted from Sweden’s bowels. He is also widely believed to have caused Global Warming.

Top Gear

He fronts Top Gear, a weekly television program on BBC 2, in which he and fellow Lampposts (as they are popularly known) encourage viewers to drive at incredible speed and end their pitiful lives in exciting and explosive car crashes, which are then cut, mixed to funky House music, and broadcast to the remaining 5 viewers worldwide who haven’t passed out from the brazen excitement. However Jezza (as he demands to be called) is very very afraid on motorbikes as he once fell off a tricycle while riding to work aged 56. He is also very scared of cyclists and has vowed to kill them all by running them over at traffic lights, although secretly he is rumoured to have a fetish for men in lycra and other forms of tight clothing. (more…)

Top Gear is a motoring program on BBC 2. It was established in 1892 reviewing horses and carriages, when the original presenting line-up included Mr Blobby, Sporty Spice and Jeremy Clarkson’s afro.

The format we see today was devised by some sort of super-genius, who successfully phased out the low-budget consumers’ guide to motoring programme in favour of a high-bidget outlet for the presenters’ desires to break expensive cars and jet around the world doing expensive and pointless things. Consequently, viewing figures have rocketed from two goats in 1892 to 780 trillion superior life forms in 2006.

Celebrities are invited to wear an unflattering helmet and endure Jeremy Clarkson misspelling their names. Caravans are ‘murdered’. This is the only form of televised homicide allowed in the United Kingdom, and received special dispensation from Queen. (more…)

The BBC News is a collective of Surrealist homosexual, communistic artists, invented by Paddington the Fish, beaten regularly by the Government of the day, which they seem to like immensely.

Mick Hobjob is one of the BBC’s most famous presenters, although he only managed to host one show, “The News with Mick Hobjob”, before disappearing down a rabbit hole in the Sandwich Islands. (more…)

There are numerous forms of football:
waverley.1.vg, better known as “Soccer”. Involves two teams of homoerotic Europeans running after a ball. Europeans love the sport because it fits into their dull and uninteresting existance in which they drink and riot.
American Football, Steroid pumped lugs, playing catch in tights and armour.
American Soccer, also known as Flashlight Tag, is played by as many campers as are in the summer camp at the time. All of the campers hide but one, who is allowed to sneak into the canteen and gorge itself before falling asleep. (more…)

Not to be confused with Pakistan, Ontario, London, France, or A Little Girl’s Underpants, Londoninium (or Londrone, as it was later renamed by the occupying Romans) is a small village, just outside England’s capital city, Romford. It is rumoured to be the final resting place of the Tower of London, but experts dismiss this concept as fanciful.

Despite its diminutive size, and lack of obvious attractions, London is actually the only inhabited place in the United Kingdom, and terrorists flock there in untold dozens. It is suspected they’re all actually looking for Hobbiton or Hogwarts. However, the locals welcome them with open arms, and positively encourage them and their heavy bags on the Tube, a miniature underground railway.

The lack of attractions in London is not due to a lack of effort, however. Those noteworthy accomplishments of its inhabitants have a peculiar habit of being knocked over, being declared indecent by the general public and then getting knocked over, or simply disappearing. In the case of the latter, the equally glaring lack of a standard police force has prevented any competent exploration of who took the missing attraction, or where the missing attraction has gone.

Recently, an investigation by Scotland Yard, the British equivalent to the American Lawn Care Association, managed to apprehend one of the supposeded Chigley Assassins. In reality, the ‘investigation’ was a trip to the local pub for lunch by the Ipswitch branch of Scotland Yard, and the ‘Chigley Assassin’ was, in fact, Former British Prime Rib Minister Tony Share (deceased). The current mayour of London is Sauron. (more…)

London Bridge is a station that was formerly in London. Built by the Victorians along with the rest of Britain, it was eventually sold, amid fears that it was falling down, and moved to a more profitable location in Arizona, 5301 miles west of Charing Cross. Desert areas of the western United States had previously been poorly served by London Transport. It is in Travelcard Zone Z.

It is important not to confuse London Bridge with any bridges that might happen to be in London. If you do people might think you’re a tourist. (more…)

The London Underground was opened to the public on 10th January, 1683. It is therefore the oldest method of making yourself late in history.

London Underground is an addictive live role-playing game (RPG) played by millions of Londoners every day beneath the streets of London. For the price of a single-journey ticket, “commuters” (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get from “A to B”. (more…)