The BBC (which could stand for anything, though common opinion is that it’s either Bottom Blasting Conspiracy or British Bullshit Company) is an association of Emo kids led by Jar Jar Binks, commonly known for his debut in the Star Wars movies, where he was voted Most Appealing Movie Character three years in a row. In a welcome twist of fate Binks’s life was cut short after a violent episode at the BBC studios in 2015. Anarchists led by blue collar stalwart Wicket the Ewok, long unhappy with Jar Jar’s tyrannical rule, convinced a team of out of work Wookies to prise one of the giant ‘B’s off from above the gate outside the BBC studio, the first step of a cruel and cunning plot to arrest control. After refusing to listen to the Union demands for the abolishment of full body hairnets and a meal between lunch and afternoon tea simply called ‘wuuu-wobba’, Bink’s was caught and tied down, then the deadly letter was dropped from the top of an AT-AT that someone had carelessly double parked outside, causing instant death and a pinkish stain that lingers still.

In the end a deal was struck allowing them to Tax all the inhabitants of the UK to pay for constant repeats of Little Britain and Two Pints Of Lager and a Packet of Crisps on BBC3 and the BBC was taken over by multi millionaire William Shakespeare who is majority shareholder to this day.

The BBC also broadcasts a periodical named the Radio Times (repeated on Sunday on BBC Two). This esteemed document – of which only six copies are made each year – is adored by the residents of Aberystwyth, who appreciate its highly absorbent quality when used in the communal outhouse. The Radio Times is protected by Order of the Privy Council, but “Other listings magazines are also available”. Only the Queen is allowed to use the Radio Times to find out when I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue will next be broadcast.

Another BBC publication, The Listener, was thrown into Belgium in 1666 because the crossword was too difficult. Any sightings of this highly dangerous magazine must be reported to Interpol or the not as famous as The Strokes or Interpol band of the moment from New York FBI.

The BBC broadcasts flatulence from around the world including the Puerilevision Pong Contest, along with other educational and entertaining programmes. It is generally believed that the BBC’s greatest achievement was The Teletubbies, a hard hitting drama/documentary, following the lives of four Satan-worshipping drug addicted paedophiles, as they attempt to live life their way.

BBC Television

BBC 1

BBC 1 was the UK’s first terrestrial TV station. It would have been the first extra-terrestrial TV station except that the bloody Aliens didn’t pay for their TV licence. BBC 1 is sometimes called the English Channel, this is made even more tempting considering it plays so many shows to do with fish.

Features the hit show – Terry Wogan in the 25th Century

BBC 1.5

BBC 1.5 is a hidden channel that can only be seen on wednesday night. In order to watch it, you have to hide under a chair and look into a dish containing pea soup. Mostly new ideas for folding napkins into car-repairing tools are broadcast.

BBC 2

BBC 2 has been seen with strange men and should not be allowed out after dark. As the estranged daughter of BBC 1, it feels that it can can go out at any time it jolly well feels like. Rumour has it that it is secretly having an affair with ITV 1 and that Channel 5 is their love-child.

BBC 2 plays the Television shows that BBC 1 deems are below its calibre. Thus documentaries like Red Dwarf and Mastermound are shown on 2. Also Newsnight with that god-awful Kirsty Wark appears on BBC 2, so if you happen to be awake at that time, it may be a good chance to shoot your television. The Office was eventually shown on BBC 2 after being on UKNonesense for 12 years, following a revolt led by Trevor MacDonald and John Snow.

Angus Deayton is banned from BBC 2, and lethal force has been authorised should he be seen in or around BBC 2.

BBC 3

BBC 3 was originally a top-secret channel for broadcasting governmental and military information to agents posted around the country. The data was encrypted using the special “Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps” algorithm, causing the sensitive data to appear in such a way that would cause anyone who accidentally saw the channel to immediately switch it off.

And of course who could forget Dog Borstal Outtakes.

However, in 2003 the signal was discovered and mistaken for a genuine channel, and since then the BBC has had to keep up this pretense in order to keep the conspiracy under wraps.

BBC 3.1415926535897932384

A TV station first proposed in Two thousand and fire, it was going to broadcast exactly the same programs as BBC 3, but 0.1415926535897932384 seconds afterwards. However, this channel failed to launch, after πTV threatened to sue.

BBC 4

BBC 4 was created purely for people who like to think they’re clever, so they can pretend to have seen programes on it in order to make themselves seem more intelligent to other people. There are generally never more than three people watching BBC 4 at any given time, except for when it is forced to run an interesting programme, just to remind people that it still exists.

Cbeebies

CBeebies is a channel created for, and run by, toddlers. It launched in 1932, and has been known by many names including “BCeebies”, “BBCBies” and “Maurice”. Many programs are broadcast here, including Big Cook Little Cook, which was unfortunately cancelled after Big Cook cooked Little Cook, and Balamory, where people live in brightly coloured houses and wear kilts.