Jeremy Clarkson
- Sunday Aug 6,2006 05:50 PM
- By R2D2
- In News
Jeremy Clarkson is one of Britain’s most recognisable lampposts, and is responsible for every motor vehicle ever built, except for Volvos, which are excreted from Sweden’s bowels. He is also widely believed to have caused Global Warming.
Top Gear
He fronts Top Gear, a weekly television program on BBC 2, in which he and fellow Lampposts (as they are popularly known) encourage viewers to drive at incredible speed and end their pitiful lives in exciting and explosive car crashes, which are then cut, mixed to funky House music, and broadcast to the remaining 5 viewers worldwide who haven’t passed out from the brazen excitement. However Jezza (as he demands to be called) is very very afraid on motorbikes as he once fell off a tricycle while riding to work aged 56. He is also very scared of cyclists and has vowed to kill them all by running them over at traffic lights, although secretly he is rumoured to have a fetish for men in lycra and other forms of tight clothing.
Kids Television
In recent years he has also presented the childrens television show Dick and Jerry in da Bungalow where he and fellow Top Gear presenter Richard “Dick” Hammond spend hours entertaining children with pie throwing and eating various animals which can be found at Zoo’s for entertainment.
Writing
He is a very good writer, and scribbles down things for the Sunday Times, The Sun, The Guardian, Weekly World News, BBC News, the Shrewsbury Pigeon, and many other fine intergalactic publications. When his article is about news, he writes about his cars. When the article is about cars, he writes about buggering other boys when he was at Eton.
He also releases 200 DVDs and VHS’s every Christmas that show him doing the same thing from many different angles, mostly shouting angrily and wearing tight trousers.
Ford GT
One of Clarkson’s favourite car is the Ford GT. It is located in the backyard of his house and the eco-mentalist next door had a few attempts on nicking his car. It is true that he had to take the car back to the factory a few times, ten times to be precise. At first the alarm system went off in the middle of the night waking up his wife, children, dogs and himself also. So he took it back to have a fix. After fixing matters got worst, the alarm went off again, in the middle of the night, again, waking up his wife, children, dogs and himself, again. The car had been rated “Most Unreliable Car Ever Made” in one of the Top Gear shows he hosted. There is a fact that he have never completed a single journey in his GT.
Smoking
"With this Swedish meatball I have found a substitute for smoking. It's called, shoving meatballs down my trap really fast."
~ Jeremy Clarkson on the CCX
On April 14th at exactly 3 o’clock pm, Jeremy Clarkson gave up a love of his life, he gave up smoking. The craving for nicotine has made him mad about many things, even pajamas. Whenever he looks at a mirror, the mirror brakes, when people take pictures of him, the camera malfunction, when people say his name, they can’t speak for a day, when he sits in a car, the alarm goes on, when he walks under a cloud, it rains. But, he found a solution to the problem. A Koenisegg CCX. When he drove the Koenigsegg, he said “I can put my hand on heart and say I don’t want a cigarette, I just want more of this!”
He said “I found a substitute for smoking: it’s called… Smoking,” while drifting in the Koenisegg in tyre smoke. He proclaimed that to die in the Koenisegg, “in a cloud of smoke.”
Reminisces
Admits that he once got beaten up by a girl. One time in Grease he was playing the lead male role when Olivia Newton John said “Some hero, I can take you anyday” and in no time was on top of him pummelling him in her black leather. As Jeremy Clarkson says “I was surprised by how heavy she was on my chest and my arms were pinned by her knees, she was a girl and she was kicking my arse and I am this big 8 foot monster – anyway I had to accept that she wasn’t going to work with me and so they got Travolta in to take my place. I’ve had the same problem since on Top Gear, I don’t know why?”.
Selected Works
- Worst Sport Ever – Football
- How to be an Obnoxious, Pompous Twat, Vol. I-LXIV (released between 1990 and 2024)
- CLARKSON! (A line of videos where Jeremy flies in helicopters to sodomise cars to remind him of his years at Repton
- All Public School Boys are Dodgy Bastards
- How I hate Jonny Yank (Jeremy waffles on about how America is lazy and obnoxious).
- How to rant against everything and sell lots of books.
- Why I’m a communist
- A Guide of the Ways to Treat Eco-Mentalists.
- Why travelling 200 mph down a nice busy road in front of a school is not a crime.
(a.k.a bastard speed cameras!)
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