The London Underground was opened to the public on 10th January, 1683. It is therefore the oldest method of making yourself late in history.

London Underground is an addictive live role-playing game (RPG) played by millions of Londoners every day beneath the streets of London. For the price of a single-journey ticket, “commuters” (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get from “A to B”.

Various spanners are thrown in the works by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:

• Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
• Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
• Fines for having the wrong ticket.
• Unhelpful and occasionally abusive “station attendants”.
• Poisonous air with little oxygen.
• Ungrateful transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their arse all day.

A recent survey by the mental health charity MIND concluded that the live-action game was immoral in that it bullies its players with such tactics and creates increased psychological stress, aggression and even mental breakdowns. They recommended that the game be banned on mental health grounds. A government health watchdog also said that chest and bronchial problems amongst Londoners had increased ten-fold since the introduction of the game, and recommended that tunnels be cleaned up “to prevent a potential public health catastrophe”. London Underground was unavailable for comment as their media spokesman’s train had broken down, and their deputy commissioner had been taken to hospital suffering from chest spasms.