Not to be confused with Pakistan, Ontario, London, France, or A Little Girl’s Underpants, Londoninium (or Londrone, as it was later renamed by the occupying Romans) is a small village, just outside England’s capital city, Romford. It is rumoured to be the final resting place of the Tower of London, but experts dismiss this concept as fanciful.

Despite its diminutive size, and lack of obvious attractions, London is actually the only inhabited place in the United Kingdom, and terrorists flock there in untold dozens. It is suspected they’re all actually looking for Hobbiton or Hogwarts. However, the locals welcome them with open arms, and positively encourage them and their heavy bags on the Tube, a miniature underground railway.

The lack of attractions in London is not due to a lack of effort, however. Those noteworthy accomplishments of its inhabitants have a peculiar habit of being knocked over, being declared indecent by the general public and then getting knocked over, or simply disappearing. In the case of the latter, the equally glaring lack of a standard police force has prevented any competent exploration of who took the missing attraction, or where the missing attraction has gone.

Recently, an investigation by Scotland Yard, the British equivalent to the American Lawn Care Association, managed to apprehend one of the supposeded Chigley Assassins. In reality, the ‘investigation’ was a trip to the local pub for lunch by the Ipswitch branch of Scotland Yard, and the ‘Chigley Assassin’ was, in fact, Former British Prime Rib Minister Tony Share (deceased). The current mayour of London is Sauron.

On being the centre of the Universe

After maths being done with GMT & KFC and that, on Monday August 14th 1997 it was proven what 98.7% of Londoners had previously thought that London is the centre of the universe. If something needs building…, say a national football stadium, it seems only lllllll to have it in the South East of the country around the London area. Sone loonie Northern scum even suggested that it should be in the centre of the country when the majority of the population is. That’s what happens when you don’t live in the direct & actual centre of the universe.

Tower of London

The Tower of London was built in 1066 and is a towering three stories high.

At the time of its construction it was the tallest tower on the planet. This is mainly because everyone lived in deep underground caverns back then and had no need for towers.

The Tower is inhabited by ravens and it is very widely believed (that is to say, believed by very wide people) that, if they ever leave the tower, the kingdom will fall. In order to prevent this, the ravens’ wings are clipped, their eyes ripped out, their beaks welded shut, and their feet manacled to the sturdy stone of the tower.

The Beefeaters that give tours at the Tower claim that they are the happiest ravens in all the world, although many put this down to the Mad Cow Disease.

Despite its name, the Tower is not in London, Ontario at all. Its actual location remains one of the world’s great unsolved mysteries.

Fast Warrior People of Ancient London

From 283 AD to 1750, the city of London (found in the mystic mountains of Tibet, the worlds largest Oyster exporters) was home to a mysterious clan of top hat weilding maniacs , known then as the Expediently Violent Chaps About Town, but today are recorded in history as The Fast Warrior People of Ancient London.

Very little was documented about this elusive, yet notably riotous bunch, excepting their love for boiled vegetables, pin-ups of the current ruling monarch, and oriental children (see: Dirty Chinese people). It is known that Charles Darwin [2] tried at one point to revive a custom practiced by the FWPAL’s, the cutting of the flower.

This infamous tradition involved a young maiden, a cricket bat, a length of rope, some hedge trimmers, and took place in a garden. The young maiden would be stripped down bare, tied to stakes in the garden, and then beaten with the cricket bat unyeildingly until she was able to loosen her bonds, get to the hedge trimmers, and cut a tasteful – yet none too bold – selection of flowers for a boquet. The boquet would then be presented to the FWPAL’s mam’s, who would make them meat pies, and then everyone would sit down for a lovely meal. Excepting, of course, the maiden, who would have to get back to the local elementary school before her students noticed she was gone.

Recently, the British government has passed a mandate addressing a sudden resurgance of the warrior tradition in London, which they now deem as Hooliganism, or Hooliganing, or even possibly Hooliginannery. The state and queen have levied strict punishments on any men seen taking part in activities that could be seen by any nation as Hooliganeriffic.

Though upsetting to find this sort of attitude still prevalent in our modern and advanced world of intellect and ethics, it is refreshing to find that the old fighting spirit of the South hasn’t died in England.

Modern-day Londoners and the “God Complex”

Modern-day Londoners tend to follow the codes of “living life in the fast lane” and “getting rich quick”. They have little time to relax, not even for a cup of tea or a chat about the weather, and are in a permanent state of hyper-tension.

Many Londoners are also known to suffer from what psychologists term a “God Complex”, symptoms of which include imagining that Oneself rules the universe, that all other people are inferior and deserve to be treated accordingly, and that One is absolutely perfect and above reproach.

Those suffering from a “God Complex” can often be spotted drinking on Friday and Saturday nights around any bars illuminated with neon lights and with exorbitant prices for alcohol. They have little interest in anything besides Themselves, money and material wealth. Other outward signs of a sufferer include walking around flashing wads of cash at all and sundry, especially tramps and beggars, driving cars with gold-laminated mud-flaps, and wearing designer pork-pie hats. When speaking, They often talk loudly and aggressively and take offence at anything which anybody outside Their sphere of worshippers says to Them. They are also fond of sniffing lines of sherbert.

A God Complex-sufferer’s face is permanently contorted into a sneer, which signifies Their contempt for things which are below Them, ie everybody and everything else. They can occasionally be seen walking around on all-fours, the reason being that Their heads have become completely stuck up Their own arses.

Generally speaking, They are safe to approach, as long as you can handle an earful of abuse for anything which contravenes their “Holy Scriptures”, such as standing on the left-hand side of the escalator, or asking Them what time it is.

In recent years, many white sufferers have been moving to multi-cultural areas such as Brixton, ostensibly to enhance Their own sense of how amazingly modern and “with it” They are. (Some conspiracy theorists argue however that the real reason is to drive out what they see as the “colonial low-life” in order to prepare for the establishment of a VERY WHITE “Heaven on Earth”).

There is no generally accepted cure for the condition. Recommendations include: joining a local Victorian book-reading club, if only to meet and talk to people once a week; getting a part-time job in a kindergarten, thus having some “human contact” now and again; and overdosing on aspirin.

It should be noted that like the tribes of many other southern cities, Londoners are total twats. The ones who aren’t twats are in London to study the art. Within 2 or 3 years, they graduate with a degree in Twattery, and are thus ready for a lifetime and career of living in London and being a complete twat.

People

At least one person in London is named Bob, although it has been rumoured that there may be as many as three.

People who are not named Bob

• David Lytton-Sarazin
• Saul Hill
• Saint Swibbins
• Queen Tony Blair (Not to be confused with Former British Prime Rib Minister Tony Blair, deceased)
• Geeza McGeezin
• It is believed that Michael lives here. Though it can’t be confirmed.
• Oscar Wilde was once thought to live within London, but was probably due to crabs.
• Jed, you know, the bloke with the sideburns and the fit girlfriend.
• Of course, everyone knows that Bob’s your aunt.

Government

London has tried all possible variants of government – from street party committees upwards: the current government and its leader are the reincarnations of the previous ones after a 14 year blank (Mind the gap): a previous version was a byword for corruption.

Sights

• Tha Old Geeza’s house
• House of Nerds
• Big Bend Over
• The British Library
• Birmingham Hippodrome
• London Bridge (collapse imminent)
• Madam Clouseau’s Musuem
• 69 Downing Street
• Secret Masonic Underground HQ
• Imperial College London
• Stonehenge Zen Garden
• the A1

Getting around

The best way to get around London is to use the Tube Socks. However, keep in mind that the employees of the London Undergroud system are all lazy fucking useless cunts. You can also swim the Thames to avoid meeting these people.

Travel Advice

According to the London Tourist Board, if you are considering travelling to London you will need the following items to survive.

• Cockney translator
• Twelve gold pieces
• A face like a smacked arse
• Total disdain for all other human life
• A Cabby-Speeche Comprehenffion & Guidance Booke
• The Sword of Azreth
• Crone repellant
• A single bag of kittens for bartering
• Hackney Sandwich
• A tendency to overact if trying out for Eastenders.
• Cocaine and/or assorted pills
• A big bag or sweets or alcohol to feed the local wildlife

Well known shitty London areas

• Downing Street
• Brixton
• Catford
• Ilford
• Woolwhich
• Plumstead
• West Ham
• Acton
• Finsbury
• Sir David Frost
• Thamsmead
• New Cross
• Lewisham
• Hackney
• Tower Hamlets
• Penge (”the arsehole of the universe”)
• Penge
• Penge
• Penge
• St. Reatham
• South Harrow

…I could go on forever, but I lack the intelligence. It must be also noted my transexual father requires me to talk Cockney slang to him… gov.