Top Gear
- Sunday Aug 6,2006 05:37 PM
- By R2D2
- In News
Top Gear is a motoring program on BBC 2. It was established in 1892 reviewing horses and carriages, when the original presenting line-up included Mr Blobby, Sporty Spice and Jeremy Clarkson’s afro.
The format we see today was devised by some sort of super-genius, who successfully phased out the low-budget consumers’ guide to motoring programme in favour of a high-bidget outlet for the presenters’ desires to break expensive cars and jet around the world doing expensive and pointless things. Consequently, viewing figures have rocketed from two goats in 1892 to 780 trillion superior life forms in 2006.
Celebrities are invited to wear an unflattering helmet and endure Jeremy Clarkson misspelling their names. Caravans are ‘murdered’. This is the only form of televised homicide allowed in the United Kingdom, and received special dispensation from Queen.
Presenters
Jeremy Clarkson
A fat, old, 9′2″ tall man. He steals jeans off homeless men and wears them on the show. Is conducting numerous extra-marital affairs with surprisingly short, young women, including Geri Halliwell, Ellen MacArthur and Richard Hammond. Gets his fashion tips from TescoMagazine.
Richard Hammond
Richard Hammond. Richard is only 3′8″, and worked as a lookalike of the cat in Shrek 2 before joining Top Gear. Contrary to popular belief, he does not whiten his teeth, but instead cleans them with a pressure-washer before each show. He is also well known for his puppy-like eyes. Has a disturbing interest in dogs and is a presenter of Crufts.
James May
James is a former campaigner against classical music. He is of standard human height.
The Stig
Some say he has a digital face, and if we wanted to, he could fire Alan Sugar…Some old sod who’s so boring they won’t even show his face. Everybody knows who ‘The Stig‘ is. However some blithering idiots (who shall remain anonymous for legal reasons) have put forward the following (untrue) identities of the Stig:
- Father Jack Hackett
- Jose Mourinho
- Larry Page and Sergey Brin believed to be employed on a rotation system.
- Albert Einstein
- Zombie Jesus
- Batman’s Brother
- Your mom was originally thought to fill in
- Doctor Zoidberg
Top Gear Dog
The dog is a Cockerschnauzer (half Cocker and half schnauzer) who sleeps most of the time during the show, thus making her the most interesting and proactive members of the cast. She is always being pulled and pushed around by cruel Hammond. There are three problems with her: Firstly, they don’t know what to do with the dog. Secondly, she is completely terrified of cars, (which is unfortunate). Thirdly, she is not very fond of James May.
Left-hand-side-drive-Racism
They always discriminate the Americans or the French whenever there is something to talk about them. They also said that the Americans and the French make the worst cars of the world. Some French brand cars are at the bottom of the ‘Best Car to Buy’ list. Why the Americans and the French? Because they use left-hand-side-drive! The most racist of the three presenters is Jeremy Clarkson. They finally managed to say something good about France: it’s the place for traveling to London from Italy.
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